It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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