And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you had me at cake vodka
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
