so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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