I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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