I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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