Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
