Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
