The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
