R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
