I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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