The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
