Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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