i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
