I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
