Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
