Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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