I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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