Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Floor bacon is actually really good
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