after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
