The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize