maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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