just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
