nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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