I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
