yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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