So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
