my shit smells like andre
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
