I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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