the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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