i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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