someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
