dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Fuck appropriateness.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
