There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
