i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
