my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Houston, we have a squirter
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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