I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
