I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
