the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
