This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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