Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
