Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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