I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
