So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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