Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize