I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
