You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize