sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
