There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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