I could make wine with my vomit
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
