I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
