I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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