I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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