I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
