Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
