Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
