I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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