One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize