they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
