i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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